It’s time.

It’s time to address the ridiculous, utterly stupid, completely unnecessary return of the fanny pack.

Let me make myself perfectly clear:  unless you are actively exercising outdoors and there is literally no other reasonable option, fanny packs are not okay.  You can try and be all fashion-forward and call them “belt bags.”  You can bedazzle them.  You can wear them crossbody.  You can do whatever you want to attempt to make this bullshit socially acceptable, but IT IS NOT.

My first exposure to this alarming “trend” was when Universal Standard teased its launch of leather goods.  I was hoping for a beautiful, practical cross-body bag that was the exact right size, buttery soft, and had a strap long enough for my fat body.

But no.  That’s not what they produced.

They gave us this bullshit.

But this is far from their only styling suggestion.  They make three sizes, and they suggest that wearing them all at once, dangling from a belt, is somehow an adequate substitute for a good bag.

However, people sort of expect them to be weird.  But then, I kept seeing MORE of them.

Like at Torrid.  IN MORE THAN ONE STYLE.

Oh look, Eloquii is riding the train too.

They even have a more “traditional” option – which is sold out in BOTH COLORS.

This is only one of a zillion options from ASOS.

Doesn’t fit your waist? Wear it crossbody!

Coach isn’t missing out, either.

Look peeps.  There is just no need for this.  This shit has been all over Instagram for months.  You will note that some of these are sold out.  If you want a hands-free bag, there are many very cute options that are designed to be worn crossbody.  The fanny pack will sit in a weird spot.  It makes you look like you have grown an extra boob.  Also, it won’t lay right, because the strap is designed to curve around your waist, not be worn as a purse.

The only excuse for these would be a festival or a hike, and even then, there are more functional options, like backpacks.

Just because they’re selling doesn’t mean you have to buy it.