Greetings from WTF Wednesday.

This week’s theme is formal (or dressy) shorts.  I’m talking about things like shorts suits and those flowy lacy confections that we all know are going to be wadded up and chafing your inner thighs as soon as you take two steps forward.  Also, as soon as you sit down, they will be wrinkled AF.

In theory, the flowy shorts are comfortable, but.  If you have thighs that touch, which most of us do, they just won’t look right unless you are standing still.  Clothes are meant for MOVING.  If they do not look good while you’re in motion, buh-bye.

First, “professional” shorts.

First, while these are not horrible in theory, this fabric (a) collects lint and pet hair and (b) wrinkles if you look at it wrong.  Second, a 5″ inseam is not “longer,” nor does it keep you covered.  If you sat in your mesh ergonomic work chair in these, you would have Waffle Ass.

Pretty sure I owned these exact shorts in 7th grade.

I’m not even going to touch that monstrosity of a shirt.  At least these are a halfway work-appropriate length, but the color is horrible and the cut is horrible. They’re starting to bunch up on the model. If they don’t fit the model correctly and this is the best shot they could get?  You’re hosed.

This style and print make my brain hurt.

They look like little kid shorts, kinda.  But those ruffles will be all up in your business in short order.  Also, is this a take on animal print? Watercolor? Rainbow sherbet without the best flavor?  Further, I am very tired of the “artsy” photos of products on ASOS.  One side of frame, doesn’t show the back, hair covering details, arms hunched weird…do you want to sell clothes?  That’s not how you sell clothes.

These are verging on gaucho pants.

This definitely looks like 1985 will be calling and asking for its outfit back. (The shoes are kinda cute, though.)

*barf*

These look like maybe they should be part of some froofy pajamas, but certainly not worn with a jacket.  I bet they itch, too.  Those lace edges are pointy and this is 100% polyester.

How to make your stomach AND thighs look bigger.

I like polka dots.  That is the only positive thing I have to say about these shorts.  They’re such an awkward cut.

What all of these photos have in common?  The models are standing with their legs apart.  If they weren’t, you would see exactly how much fabric would be bunched up between your thighs at the first possible suggestion of movement.   It would be step step YANK step step spread legs YANK step step OH FUCK IT.

I wish they could tailor shorts more effectively for people with actual thighs.  The solution is not more fabric in the inside, though.   Plus, most of these kind of shorts have something of a high rise and short inseam, which means that you also receive the benefit of chub rub.

Hard pass.