As I want you to be

The weather is not cooperating with what I had planned, outfit-wise, but then, neither is my head.  I didn’t even take pictures yesterday because you’d seen it before.  It was a slightly DIFFERENT black t-shirt.  I was going to wear a different shirt, but then the jeans were all muffin-toppy and I knew they would stretch out on the way to work but ugh.

Today I was going to wear a tie-dyed maxi dress I got on clearance, but it was too cold to wear sandals and none of my other shoes even close to match.  I was going to wear a dress, but all my leggings were dirty and I wasn’t in the mood to dig through the tights drawer trying to find the ones I should have just left hanging on the back of the door when they dried so I would know which pair actually stayed up.  But no, I had to put them away, with all the OTHER black tights that suck.  And they’re not on top, either, because I’ve stirred shit around in that drawer looking for OTHER tights.

So I just said fuck it and wore my overalls and boots and flower necklace.


I envy those who live somewhere the wind occasionally dies down long enough to take pictures with hair that looks like you combed it.


It does show off the colors, but seriously.

Overalls are from ASOS Curve and they still haven’t restocked them or made plain denim ones in plus sizes.

Boots are Alegria, and all my stalking on eBay and Poshmark has not turned up a backup pair.

But hey, you can has shirt! (This is size XL.)

I was trying to think of something appropriate for tomorrow, 4/20, but since my bling is limited to a middle finger and not any hemp-themed products, and I don’t own any rasta-themed hats, maybe I’ll just wear green.  (Oklahoma residents: Vote YES on SQ 788! Why yes, that’s to legalize medical marijuana.  Dudes.  Tax money to pay teachers.  Less opiates.  People mellow and happy.  Let’s make it happen. Some of our esteemed elected representatives are trying to make everyone believe that Reefer Madness is what happens IRL.  I’m pretty sure they’re just butthurt because no one invited them to any good parties in college, but whatever.)

Today is the 23rd anniversary of the OKC bombing.  I remember I was a junior in college at the time.  I was supposed to have an exam that morning, but the professor said, “if you’re happy with your current grade, you don’t have to take it.”  I had an A, so I blew it off.  I was supposed to have a meeting with my speech coach after class, so I decided to wander up to his office & see if he was there….since he had this bad habit of calling all of his night-owl competitors at like 8 am and then expecting us to actually remember what we said to get him off the phone, I thought he might be there.  But he wasn’t.  I went and hung out in the student lounge, and there was some stuff about a bomb going off downtown.  I waited until class was over, and then went back to meet with my coach.

He wasn’t there.

Then I ran into a teammate.  He reminded my that the coach’s wife worked right next door to the federal building that had just been bombed, and he couldn’t get her on the phone so he had gone to look for her.  We picked up another teammate along the way and went back to his house to watch the news, periodically calling our coach.  His wife was our unofficial den mother, and we all were pretty attached to her, and we were all worried as shit.

We finally got in touch with him later that night, and found out she had some minor cuts but was okay.  They came back to town a couple of years ago for the 20th anniversary.  The coach’s wife was recording a segment for the memorial.  It was the first time they had actually seen it since the bombing.  Despite the gravity of the occasion, it was great to catch up with some of the old gang.


I’m not identifying anyone in the photo (other than myself) because I don’t have permission.  What’s funny is that, at the time, coach and wife seemed so much older than we were…but in retrospect, they really weren’t.  He was a PhD student at the time.

It seems so weird to me that it was that long ago.

More than half my life ago.

But it’s still one of those things you remember.  I also remember being in a mall in Wichita the day before the national speech tournament started when I heard Kurt Cobain died.  It was also more than half my life ago.  I’m not sure if the intervening years have flown or not flown.  Sometimes it feels like it’s all a haze.  Other times it feels like the person I was then wouldn’t even recognize the person I am now.

I don’t know if that’s good or bad.  I do know that despite how long it’s been, the world is still a fucked-up place full of people who are not willing to acknowledge how much of the hate and fear come from within, not without.

I hope that 23 years from now, we’ve made some progress.


One thought on “As I want you to be

  1. How scary! I am glad your coach’s wife was okay.

    It is really crazy how time flies and how it feels so many years later. Just the concept of time and its passing has been really weird for me lately. I don’t feel that old at all, but the fact that people my age have kids in college or what not is insane to me. I remember how old my parents seemed at my age now. I don’t feel like I look or act or seem like them at all. I really need to harness these thoughts for my reunion post, but it is still really segmented.


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