TGIFF and I’m sure you can figure out what the extra F stands for, right?

Today was a day of overalls.  And forest green.  And basically a day where 1998 called and said it wanted its outfit back.

(pretty sure this was taken in 1998)

(these were taken today)

1998: that shit was from Lane Bryant.

2018:  Shirt is from Universal Standard, XL (26/28); overalls are from Lane Bryant via eBay (28), necklace is my flower (the middle finger was getting lost under the overalls and if I’m going to convey a sparkly fuck off you’re going to SEE it), shoes are Dansko in an older style (but this style is probably the closest from Dansko right now, and this pair from Alegria is almost identical).  Glasses are Zenni Optical as usual.

Despite the fact that one could say my fashion sense has evolved little between my quarter-life crisis and midlife crisis, there’s a difference between trends that are good and trends that are bad.  I mean, okay. Overalls are not “flattering” in the sense that most people mean it — they don’t make you look like a plump and juicy pinup girl, the whole idea is not to be all clingy — but they’re comfortable, and have many useful pockets, and make it possible to wear the t-shirts that ARE kinda clingy.

HOWEVER.

There are some fashion flashbacks that I cannot condone, and a certain retailer is attempting to convince us that no, really, fanny packs are a chic and cute way to carry your essentials.

…..

NOPE.

I don’t care how fashion-forward you think you’re being:  THIS is $160 worth of bullshit.

Model #1 isn’t really plus-sized.  Model #2 is plus-sized in the hourglass/pear mold.  Also, I have a very difficult time believing you would wear your leather “pochette” out to get all sweaty.   We’ve all had those leather sandals.  You know, the ones that after you’ve worn them in the summer for a couple of weeks, they smell like something died?  And no matter how many un-stink remedies you try, those suckers are not ever going to be wearable again?  Are you really going to chance that with a nice belt, especially when working out is about the only real excuse for a fanny pack in public? Mmhmm.

I decided to demonstrate that, on most fat people, this “pochette” look was going to be more akin to Paul Blart, Mall Cop or Batman Wannabe.  I have a little purse that’s about the same size as their Midi Pochette….it’s 8″ x 6″.  I can state that NOTHING fits in this purse except maybe your phone, keys, and wallet, and if you carry a bigger wallet, that’s not gonna work.  You might get a few lip balms or something in it, but not much else.  It happens to have a strap that’s about the right length for this demonstration:

Are we all in agreement that this looks as dumb as I think it does?

Aside from the obviously stupid look of this (and they’re encouraging you to stack multiple sizes on the same belt)…let’s discuss how this is not enough space to put anything.  Maybe if you’re going to a concert or something…but for real life, like work or a date or the grocery store….this isn’t enough room.  I’m usually a minimalist when possible, but there is one problem with all of these silly bags: WHERE AM I SUPPOSED TO PUT MY READING MATERIAL?  Seriously.  Ipad looks like a nope, MAYBE the little Kindle would fit, but forget a magazine or book.  Read on my phone?  No, my eyes are already bad enough, thanks.  Plus, if you Tetris all your crap in there, you will have to remove each and every item when you need something.  I have used this purse.  I have tried this.  It’s almost better to carry your normal purse because your stuff isn’t all crammed in there.

Additionally, where do you put your grocery list?  Your eye drops & other contact lens stuff, if you wear contacts?  Your prescription sunglasses? Your emergency stash of safety pins, bandaids, hair ties, and something with which to blot the nasty oil off your nose?  A brush or comb? I mean, this is not major stuff, but even purse-sized versions are going to leave you with three dangling pochettes and probably not all of your stuff.  And that doesn’t even talk about people using public transportation to commute: where do you put real headphones in this mess?  Do you just like, loop them over the belt?

If you want sleek and minimalist, there are many handbag choices, or a backpack, or a briefcase/messenger bag.  But #resist this fanny pack bullshit.  There is a fine line between modernizing a trend and looking like an asshole.  There’s also a fine line between wearing “unflattering” things on purpose and thinking everything makes you look super fly in the traditionally pretty sense.

Maybe I just hate this trend because I don’t have much of a waist, the waist I do have is awkwardly placed for fashion, and I do not wish to draw attention to it by trying to cram all my possessions in a circle around it.

Or maybe it’s because this is stupid and lame.